Two simple words. Words meant to serve as a reminder of the positive aspect of a situation. But two words that can also discount, minimize or ignore the pain that may accompany a situation or experience. At least. These are the words.
Think about it, how many times have you responded to a friend or family member that was upset about something by saying, “Well, at least…”
I know the intention is good. I know the person who says it is trying to point out the silver lining, the upside, the glass is half full perspective. I know this, because I’ve done it myself. Countless times I’ve responded to someone’s problem, pain or situation with, “But at least…” And every time I was trying to minimize the person’s pain, to ease it in some way, by finding a positive point. Hell, I say it to myself all of the time, and that’s an even bigger problem.
However, now swap your view, as if you’re me on the receiving end and the conversation goes something like this:
Me: He suffers from a mood disorder, depression and anxiety.
Person: But he’s so young, are you sure it’s not just hormones and puberty? Or just being a boy? I mean, at least he’s still young and likely to grow out of it.
OR
Me: He needs to enter treatment again next week to help him with his depression and self harm.
Person: Well, at least he’s been to this place before and is familiar with it.
OR
Me: He tried to hurt himself again at school. He tied a cord around his neck in class.
Person: Well, at least he did it in class, so people were there to help him before it went too far.
I get it. It’s hard for us as humans to not have the answers, to not be sure, to just accept the pain for what it is. It’s uncomfortable for us to sit in that pain with another and just be. I understand that those who care about me, don’t want me to lose sight that ‘it could be worse’, they don’t want me to lose perspective that I still have it better than many people; they want me to spend more time in the positive than the negative.
All of this – I agree. Yes, it could be worse. Yes, at least he has been there before, he’s familiar with the place, the surroundings, the program. Yes, at least there were teachers around to remove a shirt or cord from his neck. Yes, I understand that determining between ‘normal’ adolescent behavior and a more serious mental illness can be troublesome, but no, he’s not ‘growing out of this’. That’s not how this works.
But I’m still in pain. This is still a crisis, a painful time, a time filled with hurt. And sometimes, I just need to be allowed to feel the pain, process the hurt. It’s true. It IS a good thing he’s familiar with his surroundings since he’s been to this treatment facility before. But it still hurts that he’s there. It still hurts that he’s in psychiatric treatment. It still hurts my heart that he needs to receive treatment because he struggles finding happiness within himself. Because he has trouble making peace with his imperfections. Because when things get really hard, really painful, his reaction is to self harm.
And yes, it WAS good when he attempted self harm that he did it in class where teachers were present to get to him quickly. But. But there was also a class full of students who witnessed his self harm, his tying something around his neck and now they judge. Not all, but some. Now they tease. Not all, but some. Now they call him retarded and weird.
There are a lot of at leasts in our situation. And that is a blessing. But these two words have been bothering me for some time. And mostly because being on the receiving end of these words, I now realize how they can be hurtful, even though not intended to be. I now realize how many times I’ve said them to someone who was hurting. Again…all with good intention. But at the time I said it, I didn’t realize that the effect may instead be to make that person feel I’m negating their pain. Negating their hurt. Not acknowledging their hardship. Brushing off their tragedy, their crisis. And this makes me feel sad because I never, ever intended to minimize anyone’s pain. All I wanted to do was take it away. And strangely, I thought those words could do that. But in reality, they may have brought more hurt, more feeling of aloneness, more irritation.
Think of how many times you’ve heard or said the following:
The time after someone elderly has died – perhaps someone’s grandmother…”Well, at least she was 93 and lived a full life.”
Or the time someone’s loved one died of cancer… “Well, at least you had time together, time to focus on one another, time to say goodbye to him.”
Or the time someone’s loved one died of a tragic and sudden accident…”Well, at least they didn’t suffer.”
Or the time someone’s loved one committed suicide…”Well, at least they aren’t suffering anymore, aren’t feeling hopeless.”
We’re all human. We do our best to show up for others in the ways they need us most. And sometimes we err. Sometimes we make mistakes.
And that is okay…all we can do is try.
I want to say right here, right now – to anyone I said, ‘at least‘ to in their times of pain or hurt, that I apologize. That if it appeared I was insensitive, I’m sorry. And I want to tell you I’m going to try harder to find alternate words to say. Maybe, instead of saying ‘at least‘, I can instead say, ‘That must be hard. I’m here for you.’ Or maybe I just hug you. Maybe, I just listen. Maybe I pray with you. Maybe, I just look at you and ask, ‘What can I do for you?’ Maybe I don’t say anything. Maybe, I just hold your hand and sit by your side.
Here’s the thing. I’m not trying to be the word police. I’m not trying to make everyone think they should never use the words, ‘at least‘. Sometimes – those words are the best fit. Sometimes, they are perfectly harmless. Most times, they are perfectly fitting in a sentence. What I am trying to do however, is make us think of how we show up for each other when in need. What I am trying to do is call out that while our intentions are usually good ones, it doesn’t mean we aren’t hurtful to others. Even by accident. What I am trying to do is share a realization I had and openly admit that for years, I’ve probably been brushing off people’s pain, unintentionally, while telling them, ‘at least‘.
And mostly…I’m just trying to get us all to think. To be intentional in how we show up. To show kindness. To give more love. Share more light. And enjoy more peace.
Besides. What good is a lesson learned if it isn’t shared. At least I shared it, right? Ha. See what I did there?
Mom says
Great insight heather! We needed that!
Krissy Trebony says
I have said this countless times…thank you for making me think about this!
Carri WIKEN says
You are such a great writer Heather! This is a good reminder. We have all said it and had it said to us. Lots of Hugs!! Love you sister!!