Can’t Stop Crying…

Can’t. Stop. Crying.  Can’t.  Why?  Because my son joined the swim team.  I know.  Seems silly right?  Perhaps.  But here’s why I can’t stop crying tears of joy, relief, happiness.

Many parents are used to their child being involved in several activities or sports.  Fall: Soccer or Football.  Winter: Hockey or Basketball…or both.  Spring: Baseball or Soccer again.  But we are not part of the ‘many parents’.

Tonight was the first night of Noah’s official swim team practice.  75 minutes of drills, laps, flip turns and flutter kicks.  I sat on the bleachers and watched.  He was focused.  He was determined.  He was trying.  He was eager.  He was excited.  He was ready to learn.

In one pool length, he corrected his stroke after some instruction from his coach.

You may read all of this and think, So what…big deal…seriously?

But this is a HUGE deal.

I sat there and watched his practice and witnessed him sitting in a circle with the REST OF HIS TEAMMATES.  It didn’t strike me in the moment, but once we got home, got his wet clothes in the wash and pajamas on – he headed off to the other room to play Minecraft.  I sat on the couch for a moment, not feeling any particular emotion, when suddenly it hit me.  Like a six foot wave pounding into the shore.  It hit me.  And I just started sobbing.

Why am I crying? I thought.

Was I proud? Of course.  Yes, I was extremely proud.  But it was deeper than that.  MUCH deeper.  I was thankful.  Relieved, Joyous, exhausted, safe, vulnerable.  In a moment.  I realized what it was that was causing such a deep emotional and guttural reaction.

He belonged.  For once.  He belonged.  He wasn’t on the outside looking in.  He wasn’t standing there watching a group of kids form a community, a bond that he wasn’t a part of.

He found a place where he is welcome.  He found something that he loves, that he excels at, that he can do.  He found something.  For years, we’ve been trying to find his something.  We’ve been trying to find that thing that could help build his confidence, make him feel adequate, if not accomplished.

So often, his only feeling is one of being inadequate.  Or alone.  An outsider watching others find their place.  He only feels.  And now, now he belongs.  He matters.  He’s good at something.

And isn’t that what we all want?  To belong?  To matter?  To find our place, our thing?  To discover ourselves and our possibilities beyond something we never new possible?

Of course I’ve always wished for my son to be happy.  Isn’t that what we all want as parents?  Think about it, if someone asked you, “What do you wish for your child(ren)?”  What would your answer be?  Likely it would be similar to mine.  I wish my child health and happiness.  And of course I still wish him that.  But if you’ve read our story, you know how literal this wish is for us.

But today.  Today…I discovered what my truest, deepest wish for Noah is. And that is to belong. To feel he is a part of something.  To not feel alone.  To not feel he is ONLY a small speck in this large, overwhelming world.  To not feel he is an ONLY anything…

And tonight.  The wish came true.

His first words out of the pool, “Did I do good?”

Yes baby boy.  You did good.  You.  Were.  Amazing.

You belong.

 

P.S. – I’m so happy, so proud…that I’m just whipping this post up because I NEED to share with the world how happy I am.  I know it’s not my best writing, not my best storytelling – but that’s okay.  Because this post is meant to document my level of happiness in this moment and share it.  Kind of like letting you peek into my journal of messy, random thoughts.  I’m just lucky that I could sit long enough to write this, because as soon as these tears stop falling, I’m putting on Katy Perry’s Firework and dancing my ass off.  Because in the car on the way home from swimming, THAT SONG was requested by Noah.  Because he knew.  HE KNEW he is a Firework.

BOOM!