I’m scared. Just thinking about this post and writing it, has filled me with anxiety. But I’m a huge proponent of vulnerability. Showing up in truth and candor. And owning it all. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Especially when it’s uncomfortable. So I’m swallowing a dose of my own medicine. And showing up. In the arena. […]
And just like any hardship, I know this is exactly how I’ll make it through to the other side of this brokenness and struggle. I will stare up at the bar. I will grip it tightly. Push down my heels and pull my shoulder blades together, and I will push that bar up, faster than I have before. Even though it’s heavier.
And I will feel strong.
Losing myself and my self-worth was a gradual process through motherhood, divorce and mental illness. My son was diagnosed in his early elementary years and we’ve been through some dark and trying times of crisis. All of my energy went to him and being his advocate. Fighting for him. Over time, my energy waned. My strength deteriorated and my sense of self disappeared. I was so completely broken.
There’s this harmonious space between unhealthy abandon and completely shielding ourselves; closing off our hearts from the love and beauty of this place we call home. I’ve been in both spaces. The place where I throw my heart completely up, out, over and in…ALL IN, unknowing and even uncaring about what it may get back. […]
Fighters. It’s what we are. I’ve never really thought of myself as one before. Because we’ve all been through stuff. We all have our troubles, challenges, hardships. There isn’t a single person on this planet that hasn’t. So me making it from one day to the next, doesn’t strike me as anything out of the […]
Let’s be honest. I’ve been feeling small lately. Really small. Weak, really weak. Sad, really sad. This thing called life and the weight of it has settled on my shoulders. Like a heavy, wet blanket, it rests there. Slowing me down and making every step taken, like trudging through mud. I’m tired. Unmotivated. I can’t […]
Our road. It’s a hard one to be sure. But then aren’t we all on hard roads, for one reason or another? When talking with others about the speed bumps on my particular road, the mental illnesses that my son fights daily, people often respond with, “Ugh. I don’t know how you do it…” I […]
Sometimes, I need to let the quiet surround me. Sometimes, I just need to go within myself. Because talking, writing, being…it’s just too painful. Sometimes the fight feels too overwhelming, too much. I get tired, exhausted, emotional and then numb. The feelings – sadness, anger, frustration – they start to simmer under it all, but […]