Have you heard that phrase before? “No is a complete sentence.” Holy crap. This is revolutionary. Seriously. Try it.
No.
See? One word. One complete sentence. No. No. No. No.
And it works? Yes, it works. Here’s the thing, as I get older, it becomes more clear to me, I need to live my life for me, not for others. It becomes more clear I must always be in my corner first. And to do so isn’t selfish, it’s self preservation. But for much of my life, I’ve put others first. Most of us were raised to do so, especially as women. We care take others, we nod, smile and politely say, ‘yes’. Even when we don’t want to. And when we say ‘no’, it’s often said with a full on explanation as to why we are saying ‘no’. Sometimes it is accompanied with an apology. Then, there are the times we say ‘maybe’, because we know we don’t really want to, but we’re aren’t quite courageous or comfortable enough to say ‘no’, yet.
For example:
“Ummm, sure. I’d be happy to.” Lies. LIES. Okay, maybe not total lies, because we often want to want to do the thing we were asked, so we say ‘yes’, but in reality we just plain don’t want to and are afraid to say ‘no’. Then we complain until we have to go and we complain after, and we talk about how busy we are and how we should’ve just said ‘no’ to begin with.
“I’m sorry I can’t make it, I have a trip to the moon scheduled that day and then I have to get home to bring Daisy to unicorn riding practice.” We don’t want to, for whatever reason, but we don’t want to say it that plainly, so we make up some reason why we can’t, believable or not.
“Oh, I wish I could help volunteer, but I’ve already put in eleventy-million volunteer hours this month and I’d like to save some hours for other parents to chip in so they too can feel good about themselves.” This is what we call the, ‘I’m so awesome and giving that I would hate to take the place where others could also feel so awesome and giving’ excuse. We want to say ‘no’, yet again, but to do would be too selfish. So instead, we highlight the other great things we’re already doing and then we try to turn it around as an opportunity for others. Look how generous we are!
“I think I may be able to make it, but let me check my calendar first and I’ll get back to you.” This means we want to say ‘no’, but don’t want to be rude and say ‘no’ too quickly, so we feign interest by saying we need to check our calendar and then we’ll get back to them. By the time we get back to them, we’ll have either developed the interest to say ‘yes’ or be too scared to say ‘no’, so we’ll say ‘yes’. Or, we’ll have checked our calendar and lo and behold, we’ll be too busy to say, ‘yes’. Therefore, we’ll be saying, ‘no’, but in a less offensive way. You follow?
Do any of these sound familiar to you? I mean, I’ve never done any of them of course. I just captured these examples from some friends. Yes, that’s it.
Okay. Okay. It’s true, it’s all from personal experience. Kind of. But the truth is. It is hard for many of us, myself included, to just say the simple, one word answer.
No.
We feel it’s rude or unkind. Short and unclear.
And yes, it is short. It is a one word, two letter sentence. It is literally short. But it isn’t unclear. We just feel it is unclear, because so many of us have been taught that we must explain ourselves. ALWAYS explain ourselves for fear of being misunderstood or NOT LIKED!!
Whaaaaaaat? We mustn’t have anyone ever dislike us. Or misunderstand us. How will we carry on? HOW???
And guess what. Sometimes, people may dislike you. And misunderstand you. And THAT IS OKAY. Because we can’t possibly control what other people think. EVER. We can’t. So why do we try so hard to control their thoughts anyway?
I’m learning people. I’m no expert at this. Not even close. I’m a people pleaser. It’s true. Saying ‘No,’ is hard for me. Saying it as a complete sentence in and of itself?
EVEN HARDER.
But I’m practicing. I’m learning. I’m trying. It’s hard for me not to worry about what others think. It’s hard for me to think there are people who don’t like me. But I’m becoming okay with it. And in the process, I’m learning to put myself first. I’m learning that ‘No’ is a complete sentence. I’m learning how to say it.
And I’m learning to be okay with it.
Mom says
Thanks for sharing a hard subject!
We all need to work on this!
Melisa says
YES YES YES. On the no’s. You know what I mean.
YES TO THE NOS. 🙂
That’s yet another lesson that took me nearly 40 years to learn…better late than never!
Heather says
Agreed! I’m still working on it, but am much better than I used to be!
Susie@homemaker-mom says
Sounds very familiar to me!
Heather says
So hard, isn’t it? I am still a work in progress!
Heather @ Life of a Traveling Navy Wife says
In this last year, I have really worked on this. Love it! Great #SITSBlogging share. 🙂
Heather says
Me too! I’ve got work to do and still don’t always say ‘No’ when I want to. But I’m making progress. Thanks for stopping by!
Bev says
Oh, I’m the worst at explaining my no’s. “I’d like to, but unfortunately…..” Sometimes it’s truly genuine and I would like to do something and I can’t, but often times I feel that guilt for just saying no. Ridiculous, right? I need to be better about saying no and feeling comfortable with it. Thanks for the reminder! Stopping by from Sharefest.
Heather says
I over explain all the time. I’m trying to minimize that for times when I feel they’re actually needed vs. just my need to still feel liked. Ha. Thanks for stopping by!
Gabriella Muka says
THIS! The first and last examples especially are totally me. I’m right there with you on needing to learn to say no more. And I’m working on it. Love the post!
*stopping by from the Saturday Sharefest
Heather says
Yep. The last is especially common for me. Many times I want to do the thing I’ve been asked, but I’m also learning I’m an introvert and sometimes even though it sounds fun, the very thing can be draining for me and require a lot of ‘extra’ energy. So I have to balance my yes’s to my no’s. So hard though, isn’t it?
Thanks for stopping by!
Mrs. AOK says
No. Well, maybe, yeah, but I had something to do….
I’m the worst at saying no. If it’s a no, I feel like I HAVE to explain, even though I don’t.
XO